Writing a confrontation exercise
When someone sins against you, or you are witness to someone sinning against others, Scripture instructs you to go humbly to confront the person, speaking the truth in love, for the purpose or restoring the sinner to fellowship. A confrontation should be immediate, private and personal.
Immediate: go to the person quickly. This allows the person to understand and address the sin before it is repeated or others are affected.
Private: always go privately. Do not tell others about the sin. Speak to the person in private.
Personal: speak face to face. Do not write an email
We recommend that you use the following outline for writing a confrontation to think through how to confront someone in sin. On your computer or on a sheet of paper, follow each step below, pausing after each step to write from your heart what you believe you need to say. Proceed through each step to write and edit as directed. When completed, use this outline to confront the sinner.
- Pray. Ask God for courage, wisdom and grace as you meet.
- Be personal and gentle. Address the person by name and in person, gently telling the person that you need to discuss something that is difficult. Speak in word that communicate love and concern for restoration, i.e., “John. I want to talk with you about a difficult subject.”
- Speak for yourself. Speak in first person voice, describing how the sin has impacted you personally. State what you feel, what you believe or think needs to be done. Describe how the person's words or actions affected you. Do not speak for others. Use "I felt" statements, not "You made me feel." Take responsibility for your feelings, perceptions and conclusions, including the possibility that you may have misunderstood what was done or misinterpreted what was said.
- Be specific. Don't generalize. Talk in specific terms of who, what, when and where. Frame the subject you want to confront by naming the sin or failure in plain and easy to understand words that are not ambiguous. State how you believe the sin/failure has broken a personal or communal ideal upon which relational trust rests.
- Inquire humbly. After stating the issue clearly, ask questions. All questions should be asked sincerely and with openness to listen and respond to the answer. Ask, "Do you understand what I'm saying?" Or, "Do you see this differently?"
- Exchange views. Listen and ask questions; state you views and feelings. Illustrate your thoughts by describing what the consequences or implications of your concerns might be. Give a tangible example of why your thoughts or feelings are important.
- Invite change. Don't make demands. Rather, explore and invite the other person into a pathway for reconciling differences and addressing need. Suggest any steps that could be taken to make restitution, and to rebuild trust. Discuss and agree on next steps; what each person is committed to do. Ask if the person is willing to rebuild trust?
NOW, LOOK OVER WHAT YOU HAVE WRITTEN. Is your confrontation personal? specific? gentle? humble? truthful? inviting restitution? seeking full restoration?
Edit your confrontation to meet these guidelines then call the person to arrange a time to meet with you. May God give you the humility and courage to speak the truth in love.
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